Monday, 16 May 2016

Anxiety, Insecurity and Jealousy

hello readers.

Have you ever realize that moment when anxiety, insecurity and jealousy attacked you?


Through my experiences, it have been more than 5 years dealing with this suck feelings.

I have come to learn that this instinctive emotion is merely trying to protect our ego, 
by burying our inadequacies and insecurities. 

Our mind is at work protecting us in the comforts of our little cocoon shell. 

But to what benefit does it serve??
Nothing. At all.

In relationships, this emotion is so pervasive and instantaneous that people fail to take time, step back and evaluate it. It breaks communication, compassion and damages relationships. 

(usually i am the one who ignite the fight during a conversation)


I know that I have been jealous and I am intimately aware of the impact it can have on a relationship. When we are in a state of jealousy, we are operating in a state of instinctual survival mode. We are acting out of scarcity. In this state, we are irrational and the only thing we can think about is ourselves. 


We fail to consider the feelings and impact of our behavior on other people. But when we operate from a place of abundance, we unleash the human spirit, think compassionately towards others. We can free ourselves from negative emotions.

JEALOUSY IS JUST A LACK OF SELF-CONFIDENCE.




but over the years, i have really reduced this annoying behaviour. and yeah i am laughing out loud to my own self for being silly stupid girl like what had the photos above describe >.< hahaha!

remember. just a little. dont overdose it !

I found some useful tips on how to eliminate this sick-feeling. I know i can't even cure this disease by seeing doctor. It is in me, I-myself must find out the root cause, the best preventive way to handle this insecurities jealousy and anxiety that eventually kill my happiness.


1. By practicing this,you can move beyond the ego’s perspective and see reality from the perspective of a higher consciousness.””To overcome jealousy, just see how the jealousy came into your system, just analyze the sequence of thoughts and emotions in your system and then undo it by reasoning out the whole process with your intelligence.” — Swamiji Nithyananda

2. If you don’t fully accept and love yourself as you are, you could be more prone to comparing yourself to others as a way of artificially boosting your feeling of self-worth.” — Steve Pavlina.

3.Write It Out. I’ve always found it helpful to think on paper. By writing down your thoughts, it gives you an opportunity to express yourself, but also lays your options out clearly on paper. It’s like seeing the city from an airplane, you have a clearer vision of the big-picture. Ask yourself “Why do I feel this way?” Write out all your reasons out on paper. Write without editing, jot down anything that comes to mind.

4. Be realistic by asking ourself:
     - Is the person really a threat to you? To your relationship? To your business?
    -Is what you are feeling or doing creating any benefits for anyone involved? If it doesn’t feel very good and it’s not helping you, then does it make sense to continue feeling this way?
    -Is there a lesson I can learn here? What is the inspiration I can gain from this situation?


and you can read more in this article written by Tina Su (9 Ways to overcome Jealousy)


Wednesday, 30 March 2016

watching them getting old




such a heavy breathing.
thinking that your mum and dad has getting old.
when knowing them getting sick.
its a heart-breaking.

a little things i noticed-sign of aging.

i just can't wait to make them like a KING and QUEEN.
i just can't wait to let them DO NOTHING.
to stop them from finding money.

so dear Allah, please hear my prayer.
to let them live healthier.
and longer.
don't let them old.

nothing significant- just enough to remind,
that clock is running out.


Hazirah.
March 2016.

Sunday, 20 March 2016

The Battle: My Acne-Prone Skin.


I thought by the time I reached 23 years old, my skin problems would have ceased. Unfortunately, the same skin issues I dealt with in puberty are with me today. I have naturally oily, extremely sensitive, acne-prone skin since my secondary school. Also, from years of picking at my acne, I am left with some embarrassing scars.

I have tried so many products and it's like a season coming come and gone those pretty flawless skin were all temporary ( is it? or ACTUALLY i've never had any experience of a day wIthout ACNE!). 

The story starts around October when i has such a hectic schedule as a master-student and part-time-worker to earn money for surviving! And as i have mentioned on my last post, i was graduated (convocation) in November. At that time, I stop wearing any cosmetic and there it goes my blackhead and whitehead being replaced with the BIG ACNE. 

I know the main reason of me leading to this kind of dilemma is due to my super UNHEALTHY lifestyle. My everyday routine starts with waking up at 5am, eats junkfood-oily food for breakfast, fastfood for lunch, instant food for dinner and sleeps at 2 to 3 at night.


okay lets start with the journey of my acne prone skin on the following photos which is so terifying!
(I WARN YOU TO CLOSE YOUR EYES IF YOU FEELS YUCK WITH THIS)

APRIL 2015during my birthday celebration, its look like scar but actually penuh blackhead. pakai Nour Ain selama hampir 6 bulan, nampak macam okay tapi blackhead tak hilang!



actual skin surface:

iyek!
MAY 2015: May punya gambar takda yang zoom in semua yang nampak macam tak berjerawat. hmm i wonder why !


JUN 2015: masa ni tengah struggle buat thesis DEGREE susah tahap dewa, dagu area paling banyak dan sepah. sebab hari hari minum nescafe!


JULY 2015: Mohon jangan tertipu, nampak macam flawless kan masa bulan 7 sebab kat rumah makan benda sihat sebulan tapi still tthe texture of my skin MACAM KAWAH BULAN.


OGOS-SEPTEMBER-OKTOBER 2015: malas nak upload sebab tak jumpa cari dalam album. tapi bulan bulan ini agak menduga sebab baru masuk sambung belajar dan aku stop pakai Nour Ain.

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2015: maka bermula lah mimpi ngeri. after graduation day semua jerawat biasa tu makin berleluasa meluaskan jajahan.


This time, the acne/pimples has evolved. Cystic Acne.

DECEMBER 2015!!!!

throughout the month of these horrible face, i was CALM all the time.
i let them break out everyday without doing anything.
sounds crazy but yes! I did not apply anything on my face to control it. I drink a lot of NESCAFE non-stop and i did not exercise. poor my skin.




JAN 2016: i started doing research and buy some of helpful products as suggested by dermatologist.



Cleanser: AJ Skin Solution

Toner: AIKEN Tea Tree Oil Toner
Moisturizer: NONE
Acne Treat: Nixordem/ Dalacin-T



FEB 2016: in one to two month, the bumpy-zits-blemish-redness- all gone.


what i have done during the semester break in Jan-Feb were:

1. drink lemon+honey every morning
2. drink green tea
3. took a supplement : EPO vitamin + Vit C
4. drink a super lot of PLENTY WATER
5. enough sleep (11pm-6pm)
6. makan benda tak berminyak

MAC 2016:  ALHAMDULILLAH i can feel my skin texture is totally different now. pores makin kecik dah dan rasa tak kering dan kasar sangat. effect vitamin! i used HIRUSCAR-FOR ACNE untuk hilang kan parut. lambat kesannya tapi saya tak kan give up !


gambar latest: 18 Mac 2016

the struggle is real, i know im not alone because when i read all the blogs and forums, there are so many out there suffering with the same problem and even way too worse to handle. so i am thankful and syukur pada Allah yang semua ni cuma dugaan. so i keep myself being positive ! all the time :)

eventhough there r so many of my friends were 'shock' when they meet me, and some of the lecturer even ask me " why muka awak makin teruk ni " and my classmate from Iran also ask me straightawayyyy with questions "do you meet a doctor for your skin?" 
and i was like " errr okay its okay im just okay"



P/S: I still deal with breakouts and scars, but my skin has improved drastically. If you’ve tried any of these products, let me know in the comments below. THANKYOU FOR READING! pray for my skin, pray for future please everyone! struggling is not easy ! heheheheh.

Thursday, 4 February 2016

2016.

Hi. Its February 2016.
I haven't update anything since last year.
So how's my 2015? what happened last year?

Dear online diary, a lot of  beautiful, sad, poor, amazing, awesome, peak moment, and unforgetful memories happened last year. With the humble-ness i would like to say thanks, Alhamdulillah for everything.

In short, my 2015:

1. my grandmother had passed away early March 2015 and it was the deepest pain i have ever felt in my entire life. (Al-fatihah)

2. my sister produced one cute little daughter in the middle of March which the only and one niece, they gave her name - Danisha.

3. i pursued study. and yeah still in the engineering field. and it has been one semester and now im having a semester break. oh, master by course.

4.i was successfully graduated from UKM in Bachelor Degree with Honours (Manufacturing Eng,) last November and the convocation day was great.

5. im engaged! ok lied.

Thats the summarization of the whole last year that i remembered the most. and maybe some of the definition of happiness that i embraced couldn't be written here. 




p/s: i had such a nightmare when my no so flawless skin (my face) has become WORSE lepas silap pakai produk skincare local ni. disebabkan salah sendiri tak menyabar dan tak bersyukur dengan condition kulit yang sebelum ini okay (tapi tetap cakap tak okay) now it's bad. still in a process of recovering. i will post about my skin when i got time. alhamdulillah after one month, the pimples gone. cuma tinggal PARUT besar besar. anyone knows anything to do with the scars?




Tuesday, 8 September 2015

Guilty.

sometimes.
i felt  really guilty.
and a little bit selfish.
for the decision i have made.

i should be working.
as i am the eldest in the family.
helping father mother to find money.
and helping sisters brothers to give them money.

i felt really guilty.
for chasing my own dream.
without thinking the condition of surrounding.
am i the ever selfish person?

to God i am hoping.
to God i am praying.
to God i am seeking.
for the easiness and calmness.

please erase this feeling dear heart,
replace it with another good feeling especially POSITIVE.

sincerely,
ambitious-clueless-girl


Friday, 14 August 2015

Master Offer.


ALHAMDULILLAH.


At first, my application is rejected since I have just finish my degree last Jun. 
I mean, my graduation day is on October so they thought I didn't finish my degree - yet.
But last week, got an email from the jabatan saying that my offer is accepted!

Last year i did apply the master program at Manchester University and got the un-conditional offer from them on February. But the Mara-Scholar is wayyy too late for me and friends to apply since the intake is on September. We're running out of money. We dont have an extra money for the preparation of VISA, FLIGHT, FEES and lastly-we-have-to-forget-about-it and yaaa continue this life as a normal-boring-human-ever.



I have decided to pursue my study after finishing my degree sejak kecil lagi.
Plus the job market is not that robust right now. I just think that studying is the best decision.
But what makes me stress right now is finding the scholarship and the-whatever-shit-money-that-i-need-really-a-lot! And for sure I have to (again) use my bapak's money to pay the fees before I get the money from the scholar-organization. 

The un-stable feeling is scattered all over the places. 
I think my life now is at the craziest its ever been.
Because I felt useless to my beautiful parents. Am I the ever useless daughter ? Hmmmmm I knew they were quite proud of me, willing to give me money and support me a lot to STUDY  but some of the times I was mentally down & deeply hurt like hello I don't know how to describe it. Just take me to somewhere please where I can be alone and skip this life for A WHILE ? No. I shouldn't say like this. I shouldn't. I must pay my parents kindness and sacrifices  by working really hard. (damn  ninjas cutting onion)


CAN YOU GUYS PRAY FOR ME ? 

Hopefully I get the scholar because it took some quite tough effort for me to apply it. May Allah ease my way, my niat and my journey of being someone that I really want. May Allah give me chances to pay back ALL OF MY PARENTS good deed, for what they have sacrificed for me and siblings :(


But all in all, I was really thankful and grateful for the offer.  I know I am extremely lucky, Alhamdulillah for everything. Never compare your life to someone else’s because God has different paths set out for each and every one of us. At the end of the day, we’re all meeting at the same point.

Been reading one of the inspirational blog, the writer is kind of my idol as she is cool, hardworking and here it is, she said :

And remember that if you don’t get what you want, it’s not the end of the world. Life still goes on and Allah swt has good plans for you anyway, but it’s important to never have regrets and looking back knowing that you never took anything for granted. So do the best you can in everything that you do. You owe yourself (and your parents) that "

Till the next post ! I really want to always update this blog but then so many things happen and I can't always sit in front of my laptop leisurely !
Bye.





Sunday, 12 July 2015

Decision Making.



Hello and Hi.

I'm glad to announce that-finally-I-had-finish my degree last month. After submitted my thesis, I packed my things and went back home (after almost 3 month i'm not going home!) That great feeling though. But after two weeks, I started to worry AGAIN about what I am going to do for the next phase of ma life. You know, either I want to work as an engineer or pursuing my study for one year or whatever.

I can't think.

Its damn hard to do a decision making.






I have so many untold stories that happened in my life but never had a chance to write it. From March to June 2015, i was busy preparing for presentations, examinations and my final year project. I thought final year is the most RELAXING year for every degree student but it end up as the MOST HECTIC year. Everrrrrrrr.

I think i should off now.

Bye.





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