Guilty.

sometimes.

i felt  really guilty.

and a little bit selfish.

for the decision i have made.

i should be working.

as i am the eldest in the family.

helping father mother to find money.

and helping sisters brothers to give them money.

i felt really guilty.

for chasing my own dream.

without thinking the condition of surrounding.

am i the ever selfish person?

to God i am hoping.

to God i am praying.

to God i am seeking.

for the easiness and calmness.

please erase this feeling dear heart,

replace it with another good feeling especially POSITIVE.

sincerely,

ambitious-clueless-girl

Master Offer.

ALHAMDULILLAH.

At first, my application is rejected since I have just finish my degree last Jun. 

I mean, my graduation day is on October so they thought I didn't finish my degree - yet.

But last week, got an email from the jabatan saying that my offer is accepted!

Last year i did apply the master program at Manchester University and got the un-conditional offer from them on February. But the Mara-Scholar is wayyy too late for me and friends to apply since the intake is on September. We're running out of money. We dont have an extra money for the preparation of VISA, FLIGHT, FEES and lastly-we-have-to-forget-about-it and yaaa continue this life as a normal-boring-human-ever.

I have decided to pursue my study after finishing my degree sejak kecil lagi.

Plus the job market is not that robust right now. I just think that studying is the best decision.

But what makes me stress right now is finding the scholarship and the-whatever-shit-money-that-i-need-really-a-lot! And for sure I have to (again) use my bapak's money to pay the fees before I get the money from the scholar-organization. 

The un-stable feeling is scattered all over the places. 

I think my life now is at the craziest its ever been.

Because I felt useless to my beautiful parents. Am I the ever useless daughter ? Hmmmmm I knew they were quite proud of me, willing to give me money and support me a lot to STUDY  but some of the times I was mentally down & deeply hurt like hello I don't know how to describe it. Just take me to somewhere please where I can be alone and skip this life for A WHILE ? No. I shouldn't say like this. I shouldn't. I must pay my parents kindness and sacrifices  by working really hard. (damn  ninjas cutting onion)

CAN YOU GUYS PRAY FOR ME ? 

Hopefully I get the scholar because it took some quite tough effort for me to apply it. May Allah ease my way, my niat and my journey of being someone that I really want. May Allah give me chances to pay back ALL OF MY PARENTS good deed, for what they have sacrificed for me and siblings :(

But all in all, I was really thankful and grateful for the offer.  I know I am extremely lucky, Alhamdulillah for everything. Never compare your life to someone else’s because God has different paths set out for each and every one of us. At the end of the day, we’re all meeting at the same point.

Been reading one of the inspirational blog, the writer is kind of my idol as she is cool, hardworking and here it is, she said :

" And remember that if you don’t get what you want, it’s not the end of the world. Life still goes on and Allah swt has good plans for you anyway, but it’s important to never have regrets and looking back knowing that you never took anything for granted. So do the best you can in everything that you do. You owe yourself (and your parents) that "

Till the next post ! I really want to always update this blog but then so many things happen and I can't always sit in front of my laptop leisurely !
Bye.

Decision Making.

Hello and Hi.

I'm glad to announce that-finally-I-had-finish my degree last month. After submitted my thesis, I packed my things and went back home (after almost 3 month i'm not going home!) That great feeling though. But after two weeks, I started to worry AGAIN about what I am going to do for the next phase of ma life. You know, either I want to work as an engineer or pursuing my study for one year or whatever.

I can't think.

Its damn hard to do a decision making.

I have so many untold stories that happened in my life but never had a chance to write it. From March to June 2015, i was busy preparing for presentations, examinations and my final year project. I thought final year is the most RELAXING year for every degree student but it end up as the MOST HECTIC year. Everrrrrrrr.

I think i should off now.

Bye.

Grateful.

Holla everybody out there. How are you doing?

Currently listening to Skinny Love by Ed-Sheeran. Such a loveable voice he had. But i am here not to highlight on him. I was just pretty excited to share that I already got the offer from one of the university that i really wanna go. Alhamdulillah

*drum roll*

I am now preparing and getting ready to make sure that all the ‘things’ needed for that offer is available. May Allah ease me in everything.

Till we meeett again. 

Thank you for reading this boring blog.

And yahh tomorrow i will start my new last semester and i really hope that i can perform much more better than before, all out to get all done perfectly :)

Projek Ilmiah itu apa?

Tatkala aku bersuka ria menatap TV di ruang tamu rumah.

Tatkala itu satu perasaan timbul tidak semena seperti mencemburui kesenangan aku pada saat itu.

Aku dihantui perasaan itu sampaikan berjuta monolog bermain di dalam minda dan akhirnya -----

menjerumuskan aku ke sini * tadaaaaaaaaaaada *

Sebenarnya bukan cuma satu perasaan yang muncul di benak pemikiran aku tetapi -- berjuta perasaan.
Dan perasaan dimaksudkan aku adalah kerisauan dan ketidaktahuan-lah-nak-gambarkan-bagaimana.
Terhadap apa?

bukan lagi kisah cinta.
tapi
kisah Projek Ilmiah aku sebagai pelajar tahun akhir.


Aku kusut.
Aku bingung.
Aku serabut.
Aku termenung.
Aku sambung kusut.
Aku kutip bingung.
Aku kelam kabut.

Walau realiti nya aku bertopengkan wajah tenang setenang air di kali. ( eh ? betul kah peribahasa ni?)
Aku mengaku aku banyak komplen (complain) dan banyak meluahkan this-never-ending-feeling berbanding aku cuba untuk mengatasi dan mencantas menangkas serta menawan masalah yang aku hadapi.

But who cares.

 

Alkisahnya.
Aku punya projek ilmiah a.k.a THESIS (or whatever you call it)
bertajuk kan sesuatu yang aku tak minat.
Dan aku tak da perasaan sikit pun untuk meneruskan kajian itu.
Hal ini merupakan salah satu sebab kenapa benda tu menghantui aku----- sampai ke rumah.

I was like ' hello thesis can we stay apart and get separated for a while until i come back to UKM?"
And that brat ( thesis) answered "NO. I WONT LET YOU GO"

*next chapter*

I still remember one of the most respectful and great ex-engineer/Professor from India came to our university. I was one of the student who has been selected by my lecturer to have some short-meeting or kind of sharing-experience-moment with that genius Prof.

He said to me:

"You know what is engineer means?"

" Engineer creates thing. Engineer innovate things. Engineer makes life easier. We make new cool things"

" Isn't it exciting?"

And I was loike " ohh okay i know that "

Then he continue talking about science-things.

"You know what all the science people do? They only study and learn and understand what already exist in this world. They explore the nature of life."

"Did you see the differences? Which one is much more interesting? Learning existing fact or creating and giving an idea of the new thing?"

And yes. I can't deny his words and I clearly saw his passion towards this engineering field. Though his look was quite-getting-older but his spirit overtook his age. What about me? Hmm still thinking of what is so exciting to be in this - err - don't wanna say what it is.

this is so--me!

*last but not least*

Satu benda aku nak cakap bagi kat hangpa.

Please make the right choice.

Once you took the one which is not compatible with you, 

you have to endure with it and get ready to bear with it no matter how complicated was it.

Aku berhenti menaip.
Bererti aku mahu tidoq.
Selamat malam. Moga aku bangkit dan serap azam serta semangat baru.

Zirah.
Pendang.Kedah.

Pelajar Tahun Akhir.

Hello and Hi.

Since this is my first post on 2015,

I would like to remind you to not to get bored with my post cause it might be - a very - long - story  (padahal nobody will read this post)

blog ni dah berhabuk dan berkarat * sembur anti-rust sikit* 

kerana tuan blog terlalu tidak punya masa nak login blog 

dan tidak punya masa memikirkan ayat power untuk dikarang didalam blog.

the faster way of expressing my feelings in form of words and photos (nowadays) 

adalah melalui wechat status,and instagram.
thats the reason why i am slowly forgetting you, my dear blog.

final year's student faces.

so, ya i still remember the first time of using this blog. i was about 20 years old. back to 4 years ago :) tak banyak benda yang berubah dalam blog ni hihihihihihi still the same-clumsy-girl with a big dream and her-40 kilogram of weight . eh ?

okay lets make it quick !

im home now. spending my time with lovely families since i was not home for about 6 month. why ? because last semester break, i have to rent a house and stay with my friends at Shah Alam to do my internship ( about 3 month) there. 

I only went back home for at least 3-4 days during hari raya last year, and when my father was sick last month ( which is actually-the last-year-also). I found that it was not kinda hard to be far from my family as i get used to it since i was 14 years old. I am not having any syndrome called- HOMESICK- anymore.

Currently, i m the final year student and i was not very sure either I should loudly shout "YEAYYY" or should be sad. I love studying though it was totally bored sometimes, totally tired and feels like giving up in the middle of the semester. 

Sebagai pelajar tahun akhir. sukacita saya luahkan - it was AMAZING. do not define amazing in a form of happiness only okay ? hehehehehe. 

I dont want to tell you how susah was it, or how interesting was it. Because evrybody had their own experience. And i only wish the best for my UPCOMING- LAST-SEMESTER. hopefully i can perform well, complete my thesis successfully , pass the results with flying colours, and FINALLY HOLD MY DEGREE SCROLL DURING MY GRADUATION DAY !!!!! 

Amin.

Will update more - soon. 

And ya i would like to tell you that i have another site of blog that I register when i was doing my internship. Here it is ------> https://xeyralexandria.wordpress.com/

Feel free to read walaupun cuma baru 5 post. 

Bye.

Zirah.

p/s: i can't wait to get my result for the last semester yang baru sahaja habis exam last week. the suspense was killing me.